Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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