he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
