my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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