If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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