hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
