You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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