Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
