Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
