Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
