One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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