I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
