The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I AM VODKA MAN
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
