Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
