I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
