my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
