My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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