he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
