I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize