well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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