She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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