You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
