I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
