batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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