You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
