are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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