i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
