You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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