Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
either way he was missing a nipple.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Someone shattered a urinal.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
