Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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