ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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