i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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