You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
