I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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