it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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