If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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