i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
