He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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