Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
A bitchslap is in order.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize