i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
