Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
