No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
