What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i dont even know how to be here
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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