Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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