there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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