Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
