We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
