Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
