his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
