I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
