u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
