Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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