Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
