I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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