today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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