im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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