i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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