i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
