worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
