my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
